Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
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[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT