MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
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ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
That lamp looks PISSED.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*