ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
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Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.