“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
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[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Stick it to the man
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool