[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
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Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue