If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
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On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.