Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
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Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.