wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
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Self-cleaning conscience
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.