ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
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My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
why I oughta
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
who named him groot and not spruce lee
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]