BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
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[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Only Americans understand
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*