It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
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The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Yeah. This was me today.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present