Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
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Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.