Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
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Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.