Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
You Might Also Like
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant