Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
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The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.