You are not alone 💚
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Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
The symmetry is uncanny.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s