Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
You Might Also Like
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
S/o to @funTweeters .
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
The eclipse was like April fools for birds