The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
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The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
sliding into dms like
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”