it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
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if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
CUTE CAT‼︎
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.