You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
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*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
The sacred texts.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.