When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
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“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.