My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
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Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
The best shot in the history of golf
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.