WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
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My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
me and my fake scenarios
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Cake!!
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
😎 🍻
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style