All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
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My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
water it, i dare you