Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
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Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I love the honesty