Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
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I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
TODAY
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.