STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
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When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9