[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
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I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.