Just so funny
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Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.