My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
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[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..