Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
You Might Also Like
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Happy Febuary everyone!
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.