where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
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date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
The future is now.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Did I do this right