why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
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My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.