Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
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The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you