I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
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Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Genius idea!!
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window