A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
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Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
This is so me 😂😂
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”