If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
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Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.