Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
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My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.