why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
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“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
They’re on their honeymoon
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Kidney stones? Hard pass
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor