I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
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Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.