He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
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Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”