My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
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woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.