Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
You Might Also Like
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
HELP 😭
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go