If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
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Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?