Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
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[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]