never deleting this app.
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Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant