ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
You Might Also Like
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
You can’t outrun your problems…
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no