Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
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*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
notice
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Trying
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd