*looks at you in batman voice*
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I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in