I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
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anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Not😆🤣
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.